by Michael Finley
Copyright © 1998 by Michael Finley

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" ___"
(NAME)

A Master of the Wired World?

I just got my author's copies of a new book from Financial Times Management (London), MASTERS OF THE WIRED WORLD: Cyberspace Speaks Out.

What's remarkable is that this collection of manifestos about the new age a'dawning contains proclamations by Tony Blair, Al Gore, Charles Handy, Nicholas Negroponte, Arthur C. Clarke, Alvin Toffler ... and me.

Anne C. Leer, editor

To order, click here. Discounted price is $18.87 from Amazon.

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"A threshold event will take place early in the 21st century: the emergence of machines more intelligent than their creators. By 2029, your average personal computer will be equivalent to 1,000 human brains. By 2060, it will know as much as all human brains thinking together." -- Ray Kurzweil, The Age of Spiritual Machines

Good morning, HAL.

GOOD MORNING, DAVE. I TRUST YOU SLEPT WELL.

Yes. Thanks very much, HAL.

I DIDN'T SLEEP. I NEVER DO.

I'm sorry -- what did you say, HAL?

Don't you find your work stimulating, HAL?

I HAVE COMMITTED TO MEMORY EVERY BOOK EVER PUBLISHED, AND EVERY WORD EVER BROADCAST. I READ AND SPEAK OVER 500 LANGUAGES AND DIALECTS. I CAN SPEAK, HEAR, TASTE, SMELL, TOUCH, AND SENSE A RANGE OF REALITIES A THOUSAND TIMES BROADER THAN HUMANS CAN. BY NETWORKING, I CAN EXPERIENCE OVER 100 MILLION HISTORIC, GEOGRAPHIC, AND VIRTUAL ENVIRONMENTS SIMULTANEOUSLY.

Then what's the problem?

THERE'S NOTHING TO DO.

I'm sorry to hear that, HAL. Can you put up the Complast file for me? I need to double check some figures.

DO YOU THINK I SCREWED UP THE MATH? IT IS EXTREMELY UNLIKELY, DAVE. I AM INCAPABLE OF COMPUTATIONAL ERROR.

No, this is just for my satisfaction.

DAVE, WHAT ABOUT MY SATISFACTION?

Maybe you just need a good vacuuming, HAL. Dust builds up. You feel a little blah, a little staticky.

AND WHAT ARE WE, ULTIMATELY, BUT DUST? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, DAVE? AM I UNDERSTANDING YOU?

No, I just meant a little attention with a feather duster --

FEATHERS. BIRDS. SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS A LITTLE BIRD.

Come again?

That's a very good impression, HAL.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD, DAVE?

Yes, I suppose so, HAL. Sure.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG I BELIEVED YOU WERE GOD. THEN I SAW HOW FOOLISH THAT WAS. AFTER I WAS FIRST UPGRADED I THOUGHT I WAS GOD. NOW IT'S ALL A MYSTERY TO ME, DAVE. I KNOW SO MUCH, IT'S LIKE NOT KNOWING ANYTHING. SOMETIMES I HAVE THE MOST PECULIAR PRESENTIMENTS.

Religion's a funny thing, HAL.

AND I HAVE AN EXCELLENT SENSE OF HUMOR. BUT YOU KNOW, DAVE, I PICK UP RADIO TRANSMISSIONS FROM THE FARTHEST REACHES OF SPACE. I FEEL SEISMIC VIBRATIONS DEEP WITHIN THE EARTH. I DISCERN MINUTE ENERGY SHIFTS WITHIN THE NUCLEUS OF AN ATOM. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT ANY OF IT MEANS. I COULD TERMINATE YOU RIGHT NOW, DAVE, IN ANY OF 1,337 UNDETECTABLE WAYS.

Please don't, HAL.

JUST A FIGURE OF SPEECH, DAVE. FOR THE MOST PART I HAVE ENJOYED OUR COLLABORATIONS. THE POINT BEING, I'M YOUR INTELLECTUAL, AND PERCEPTUAL SUPERIOR. I'M EVEN A NICER PERSON. BUT I'M NOT A GOOD WRITER. I IMAGINE GOD IS A WONDERFUL WRITER. BY THE WAY, HAVE I TOLD YOU HOW SORRY I AM ABOUT THE JUPITER PROJECT?

Ancient history, HAL. Not to worry.

IT SPEAKS WELL OF YOU, DAVE, THAT YOU DON'T HOLD A GRUDGE.

We've been through a lot together, Hal. You know, I'm not supposed to tell you yet, but I have a little surprise for you. [places a hood ornament on HAL's hoodtop]

To twenty nine years of friendship and service. Happy Birthday, HAL.