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Originally appeared in the Saint Paul Pioneer Press

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Other Rabid Anti-Microsoft Screeds:

"Yoohoo -- Is Anybody There?" (March 30, 1998)

"Microsoft Is the Borg: Prepare to Be Assimilated" (March 2, 1998)

 Internet Explorer is Neat ... but Deadly (Jan. 26, 1998)

Microsoft versus the Justice Department (For release Nov. 13, 1997)

Youthful Optimism Is Dented by a Bruised Laptop (Anti-Compaq, actuallly) (3/10/97)

The terrible error of our time(ooh, bitter!)

Check out The NEW Why Teams Don't Work by Mike & Harvey Robbins from Berrett-Koehler Publishers

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I logged onto the Microsoft download site, initialized the long (3 hour) download, and went to bed. I dreamed that monsters were loose in the land, and were camped out in our front yard.

In the morning I sat down at my PC, installed the IE4 program, yawned and rebooted my PC. It was my last yawn of the morning, because Windows refused to come up. "RUN32.DLL Failure" was the report.

Heartbeat accelerating, I attempted to reboot. Eight times. Same result. Since RUN32.DLL is a major Windows driver, I conclude that the IE4 install had trashed my operating system registry. I have that dull feeling you get when your stomach says, whoa.

I hop onto my kids' PC and log onto Microsoft Technical Support. But Internet traffic is so congested that good ol' Netscape 3.0 times out before the Microsoft pages can pop up.

Strange, I think. Nothing is working. I check all my Microsoft materials, a scad of manuals and warranty sheets. No tech support number.

Now it's 9:45 a.m. and I have two simultaneous problems. I have scheduled an important long distance call with a group of clients at 10 a.m. But I am obsessing about IE4, and aching to get my system running again.

Giving in to obsession, as is my wont, I call 411 and ask for Microsoft, Redmond, Washington. I get the tech support number, where I am given yet another number, specifically for IE4 installs. I dial.

Just then, Call Waiting clicks. It's my clients, huddled around a speakerphone. "Mike, can we turn to page 12 of the proposal?" Unwilling to hang up on Microsoft, I patch my clients into a conference call, figuring I have a 20-minute wait before Microsoft picks up. "Of course," I say, "page 12."

But I am in the shortest tech support queue of my life. Almost immediately a support rep comes on, named Steve. Steve asks what kind of PC I use. "A Compaq Presario 4784," I reply. I can hear Steve's shudder. "Internet Explorer doesn't work on that model," he says.

One client, confused to be sharing a line with Microsoft, speaks up. "Mike, let's talk when you are feeling less subdivided. This isn't working." What is, I think to myself, but I agree and hang up.

Back to Compaq. In their effort to deliver unique value to customers, Compaq routinely loads its models with weird proprietary shells and gimmicks ahead of Windows. All these doodads interfere with Windows. To make matters worse, Internet Explorer, just as Microsoft has been explaining in court the past two weeks, truly is inextricably enmeshed in Windows 95. Condition: conflict. Outcome: crashola.

"But, Steve," I say, hoping my use of his name deepens his sense of obligation to me, "nowhere did the download site warn Compaq users -- and there are millions of us -- that the download would knock out our Windows."

"Yeah, they should probably say something," he concedes. But Compaq and Microsoft are business partners. Why undercut one another over a few software conflicts when they can cut their customers' throats instead?

Steve advises me how to do an end-run to get Windows up and limping, and pull the plug on the evil IE4. I do it and voila, my PC works again. And he directs me to the Compaq website where I can download the good IE4.

Which, God help me, I do. Three hours later, the Compaq IE4 seems installed without a hitch. But when I boot up, all my programs are missing. Everything. The folders and data are there, but the shortcuts on the Start menu are all gone. Can you say eek?

This is a catastrophe, because I have created a million little shortcuts just the way I like 'em. E.g., I can call up Calculator by hitting START-Z. I will have to restore the entire million by hand. Those I remember, anyway.

In the midst of all this, I get Call Waiting again. It's my client group. Before turning to the notorious page 12, they let me know they sympathize with my dilemma. One of them had spent the previous day online to Redmond digging out of an IE4 install on her Gateway model.

By the way, IE4, once you get it going and recreate your entire system, really is a great program, even if Microsoft is using it to increase its evil and squidlike grip on the vitals of our race. I suggest you go and download it immediately. The software and tech support, as you can see, are both free.

But you may want to have a shovel with you, to dig yourself out of your own fresh grave. Because when monsters like Compaq and Microsoft roam the earth, the witching hour is always at hand, and no computer user is safe.

America's Best-Loved Technology Writer(TM), Michael Finley has a free gift for visitors to http://mfinley.com.