Copyright
(c) 2000 by Michael Finley
For several years I wrote an April Fools column for
newspapers in which I proposed preposterous tech products, and gave fictional
800 phone numbers to order them from.
I tried to come up with the most idiotic tech products I
could think of, and then describe them in Sharper Image-style marketing
language.
Here, as an example, I described a flatbed trailer for
extended battery power for laptop users in pup tents:
Tenting is great,
but not if you're working off a three-hour laptop battery. Luckily, the good
people at Mycrad have come up with The
Acid Test ($1999,
800-555-6212), a unique mobile energy system capable of keeping your system up
and running up to 22,000 hours! The Acid Test is a trailer-based
"motherbed" socketed for 10,000 parallel processing "C"
batteries. Attaches to any heavy-duty pickup with a standard ball-hitch. Turn
signals really work! (Batteries not included.)
Here's another, describing a handy way to capture
electrical power from lightning strikes:
Instead of being
afraid of lightning and its unexpected "surges," why not tame it and
put it to work massaging your data? Erie Electronics advertises an Outdoor Current Capture Unit ($29.95, 800-254-6221) that taps right into
the power of nature's majestic lightshows. Simply attach the zirconium rod and
cable to the top of your house or place of business and plug the other end into
the back of your PC. Converts even a 486 into a real screamer!
I didn't tell readers the columns were a spoof until the
final paragraph, and even then I was oblique about it. ("For more information, visit
http://www.aprilfool.com.")
The problem was, newspaper readers encompass the entire
spectrum of human intelligence, and I got dozens of complaints from readers
that:
1)
the products sounded like a terrible idea, bad engineering and
reprehensible marketing;
2)
the 800 number didn’t work; or
3) the
800 number worked, but people found themselves talking to a telemarketer
selling subscriptions to High Times
(honest to God) magazine.
So, even though Computer
User readers routinely score among the top quartile of tech mag readers for
IQ – whereas newspaper readers can find Ann Landers and Word Jumble biting and
incisive -- I have suspended the April Fools column.
To paraphrase Chief Joseph of the courageous Nez Perce
tribe, which fought the United States long after every other Indian nation had
laid down its arms, "I will fool no more forever."
But here's the thing.
Going back over several years of those columns, I am
astounded that many of the products not only came to be developed, but
succeeded in their markets. This is no April fool. Really!
Behold, from 1992:
"Say, old
timer, does it make any difference which road I take to Park Rapids?"
"No, not to me
it don't!"
You don't have to be
the victim of the cruel humor of locals now that, for $39.95, you can own Skip
Nordlund's Multimedia Guide to North Country Resorts, Cottages, and Campgrounds
(800-432-7332). This 3-CD-ROM set lists every cabin from Alastair to Zimmerman,
complete with aerial GIFs of every campsite layout and relief maps of over 36
different Moose Lakes. Plus cultural tips explaining whether what you're about
to eat is "lunch," "supper," or "dinner." With
this authoritative compendium in the front seat, you may never have to stop and
ask for directions again.
What I didn’t foresee in this lampoon was the development
of the Web. Today one can log on and use search engines to do precisely what
the Skip Nordlund product promised.
Here's a product from 1995 that I felt would never be
produced.
Why allow drive-time
to cut into your vacation productivity? With PC-Steering,
from AxiDent, $895, 800-232-7744), it just isn't necessary. Simply disconnect
the horn and emergency light from your steering column and plug the unique
semicircular keyboard into the center of the steering wheel. LCD display fits
right over your speedometer for easy reading. Presto, your car is a
"horseless workstation." Smart shoppers will spring for the optional
dimmer mirror ($69.95) that eliminates the glare of oncoming cars.
But last week I came a steering wheel workstation product
at Office Max. It was really just a platform for setting a laptop on a driver's
lap, with an AC power switch and reading light. Marked down from $79.99 to
$9.99, each package had a deer-orange after-thought label slapped on:
"USE ONLY WHEN VEHICLE IS PARKED AND BRAKE IS
ON."
They must have sold some to newspaper readers.
