For use: July 26, 2000 and thereafter

 

Conversations with Beau: "On the Candidates "

by Michael Finley

Copyright (c) 2000 by Michael Finley

The occasion of Dick Cheney's selection as George Bush's running mate prompted me to have a rare political conversation with Beauregard. Usually, we just talk about personal experiences and what we like to eat. So this was unusual for us, and it showed me that Beau is a dog with a lot of depth.

He was lying on the braid rug, having just clapped his mouth shut after a big yawn, when I initiated the exchange.

"I think Bush could have done better than Cheney," I said. "He's respected and all that, but a little dull, and makes George W. look like a stalking horse for his dad."

Beau rolled his eyes for a second, then spoke. "Cheney's a good human," he said. "People see him as good-hearted. Despite all Bush's talk about his heart, no one is quite sure what's going on in there. Cheney seems more like a person than Bush. I think he strengthens the ticket, and not just regarding foreign policy. Worse case scenario: Bush falls off a ladder and Cheney takes over, knowledgeable and sincere."

"Sincere," I said. "is that important?"

"It is this year," Beau said, as he shambled across the room, stretched and collapsed again by the window. "The meta-issue this year is authenticity. Who's real? Who means it? So far, none of the candidates seems quite real, and you people are struggling with that."

"Well," I said, trying to draw him out further, "do you think other candidates could have done better?"

Beau pondered for a moment. "Let's go through the names we've seen to this point. I look at the candidate's face, and I expect to see a little fear. If you’re not afraid, you don’t have sense. But also, a little courage. Something has to make you a little mad, but it needs to be something valid.

"John McCain, for instance. I liked him pretty much. At his worst he's kind of a mean clown, and the last thing he is is what he says he is, honest to a fault. But he's got an edge people like. Remember in South Carolina, he was visiting a military base, and he told a couple of Marines that he wanted to be a Marine at one time, but both his parents were married? I loved that, and I think other people did as well."

"What about Bradley?"

Beau yawned again and licked his lips. "Bradley looked lost to me. There was not one minute of his campaign that I didn’t feel a little sorry for him. On the other hand, I didn’t care, either."

"Nader?"

"A dog has to favor a candidate named Ralph. Nader is practically a dog himself -- one of those beagles that chases the same rabbit for fifteen years. The thing about Nader is that he is very pissed off that the world is so damn dumb. That will attract a certain elite voter, but not enough even to spoil the election."

"Buchanan?"

"Junkyard dog. Big yap. Pull my ears if he got the chance, just to hear me yip. No time for him."

"You haven’t said anything about Al Gore."

"Gore," Beau said, and tilted his head in perplexity. "He should have the country eating out of his hand, but instead he's got us confused. But I'll tell you what. Down the stretch, he is going to find his groove, and he is going to be one bad-ass candidate. Passionate, fist-pounding -- the kind of guy regular voters heel to. I give him an edge."

"Would you vote for him?"

"Dogs have never shown the whatever that is required to vote in any kind of disciplined fashion. Big limbic systems, you know. But we want someone we can have a relationship with, not a jerk. I doubt very much that Gore is even friends with his dog."

"So what if the election is held today?"

"Bush by five points," Beau said. "People like him. He's kind of cute and fuzzy like a young golden retriever. People want to shake that mop for good luck. But dogs see through that kind. Sure, he'll roll on his back for you and give great grin, but what does he believe in, really? He's just out to please people."

"Anyone else you want to mention?"

"Well, there's Quayle. Poor sad son of a bitch."