Date of publication: March 3, 2000
"The e-Candidate"
Even before the current political season winds down, political scientists at The Hess Institute, in concert with information technology's best minds, are putting finishing touches on an electronic politician for the upcoming midterm elections. The G4000 wheeled out to reporters Friday is an electronic candidate. During development, it went by the code name Sammy.
The G4000 made these remarks:
Good afternoon, friends of the media. I, the G4000 Series I, am a fully automated, self-handling, public servant. You and I will be doing lots of business in the near future.
What are the advantages of electronic politicians? First, why send out a pretend machine when you can send out the real thing? We don't mind saying the same things a hundred times a day. Believe me, when I stay on message, I stay on message.
Also, you won't need a plane with a microwave. I never need a warm sandwich, but in a pinch I can warm up yours.
Second, control. I know the presidents, premiers, and cabinets of all 115 countries in the UN. No more embarrassing stupidity on the stump with the G4000 Series.
I am incapable of making a verbal slip. I know the difference between resonate and resignate, between disclosure and exposure. I know tuber from Tudor, and how to spell either.
I have a vocabulary of 100,000 English words. In addition I speak Chinese, Russian, German, Portuguese, Navajo, Ebonic and Spanish. A bonus feature is my cliché and euphemism generator, for avoiding the stress of plain statements.
Third, the G4000 Series is feature-rich. I have a direct T1 line to every electronic medium in the world. The G4000 can e-mail 9,999 press releases, manage the statements of 9,999 surrogates, ingest 9,999 chicken drumsticks, and plant virtual simultaneous kisses on 9,999 babies.
I can conduct web-based issue polls concurrent with my remarks on those issues. When I open my o -hole to speak, my fuzzy logic circuits calculate what form and content will be most successful with the largest number of voters.
Needless to say, I'm extremely popular.
Also, my massively parallel processing chips rigorously compare every statement with every other statement ever made on a topic. Or I can sort according to audience, region and demographic. So you can have it both ways -- be stultifyingly consistency, or play one group off against another.
I can file a court injunction electronically, protecting my free speech from the free speech of others.
The G4000 is equipped with a hat rest for any kind of headware, from tank battalion leader to sombrero. Look at me, Sammy's a cheesehead, he must be in Fond du Lac!
My personal favorite feature is the simulated emotion plug-in. I never lose control emotionally, but I am equipped with the capability to exude a single hydraulic tear when opportunities for compassion present themselves.
As you can see, this button causes my head to shake sadly from side to side and make a kind of clucking sound, as I lament how sad it is that my hypocritical and probably mentally unstable opponent has resorted to name-calling. Sad, isn't it? I think it's sad. Very sad. Now that's what I call sad.
And my Teflon heat and grease shield self-initiates at the first sense of incoming feedback.
Best of all, I am a 360 degree candidate. On my front panel of printers, speakers, and other output devices, you see how I supply white papers, speeches, e-mails, telemarketing scripts and press releases to voters.
But when I swivel, you see my input slots. As you can see, I accept Visa, Mastercard, ATM and debit cards. Even a little sliding drawer there for cash. Enjoy a complimentary mint! Sorry, no American Express.
When you invest $100 million in me, it will be with the secure knowledge that you will get your money's worth, and that I will spare no effort to work the will of the people.
Vote for the new G4000 -- now with Charisma™.
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