"You've got to help me," he said. "I'm out of words to talk about technology. I have to do this catalog, but I have a terrible block. I don't know what to do!"

"Now, get a grip on yourself, Jake. The dictionary is full of words, and technology gets more than its share. What exactly is the problem?"

"They've all been used to death. The freshness is gone. You hear them and you get this queasy feeling."

"Maybe it's just you. Maybe you've been writing tech copy too long. Maybe you need a little rest."

"I do, I really do," Jake moaned. "But it isn't just me. We've done research on this stuff. People are as bored with it as I am. They need a new word, and God help me, I don't have one." He permitted himself a single sob, then continued. "If I can't come up with something that's even a little bit alive, I -- I don't know what I'll do."

"Jake, I'm willing to help you here. Can you give me some sort of example of what you need?"

"I need a word that says 'computer.' But it can't be computer. Computer is stupid. It's dull. And I already used it about a million times."

"Well, hold on, let me think of some words, and run them by you. Um -- how about digital? It's modern."

"Our focus groups tell us people aren't quite sure what digital means exactly. It's sort of vague, like 'solid state' was for audio equipment. We had one guy who thought a digital clock was one whose hands had fingers."

"High-tech?"

"Too seventies."

"Micro?"

"Too sixties."

"Techno."

"Too Greek. It's like Euro. Euro-Disney. Techno-Disney. Euro-Techno. I hate it."

"Desktop?"

"I picture Miss Marjorie on Ding Dong School. 'Now fold your hands on top of your desk, children.' It's always such a tiny desk."

"Cyber?"

"People don't like the sound of cyber. It gives off a whiff of evil robots to people. I myself don't like cyber. Everything is cyber this or cyber that. Do you like cyber?"

"No, not really. The evil robots are there, all right. But it suggests intelligence, doesn't it? How about a word or phrase that says smart? Like smart?"

"Yes. We had Smartcom and SmartTalk, and the Genius Mouse. I once wrote copy for a CP/M machine called the Superbrain 2000. People would buy it and then chisel the nameplate off the front. Most people felt the computer wasn't all that bright. Those that did think it was smart resented it."

For a few moments neither of us spoke. You could almost hear our eyes rolling in their sockets as we tried to come up with a decent synonym.

"I don't suppose hardware does much for you."

"Sack of nails."

"I see e- a lot these days. For electronic. Like in e-mail. It seems like a prefix you could run with. E-time, e-world, e-life."

"E-ew."

"How about virtual?"

"Virtual is interesting. But it's a hard concept to sink one's teeth into, by definition -- something that almost is what it seems to be? If virtual is when something isn't quite something, what is something when it's not quite virtual?"

"Jake," I rebuked him. "You want this to fail."

Jake sighed. "I wish I was back on the automotive accounts."

"You're kidding. What new can you say about cars?"

"Cars are great. A picture of a car can sell a car. You don't have to explain that it gets you places. You can see the wheels. It looks like what it does. Computers are just boxes. They could be full of cereal for all you know.

"With cars you could talk dirty. Sleek contours, silky handling, supercharged engine, raging horsepower. There was a scent of the hunt in the air.

"Try doing that subliminal stuff with boxes. People may not quite comprehend what computers do, but you only have to look at other computer users to realize they don't get you dates."

I pictured such an ad for a moment. "Test drive the 1995 US Robotics V.34 28,800 bps faxmodem. And feel the power -- today." Jake was right.

"Try a whole new tack," I suggested. "People use computers as a springboard to the net. How about a phrase that suggests connecting, or networking?"

"For a minute I thought you were going to say it."

"Say what?"

"You know. The dread phrase."

"No, I don't."

"The information superhigh- " He paused. "I'm sorry, I can't say it. Everyone is so sick of that phrase. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard. No, toenails.

"And then it sloshes off onto offramps and onramps, the sane lane, pit stops, toll plazas, white line fever. It's a license to go on and on and ...

"Anything is better than the super-you-know-what. The I-way, the Infobahn, anything."

"Gee," I said ruefully, "I think I used that one quite a bit."

"We know," Jake said. "We know."

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