Have you considered getting a merchant credit card account, to do retail business online?

Me, too. I get daily spam adverts from merchant credit card providers, claiming that the credit card is the be-all, and-all of e-commerce.

And they are right. Credit cards make online transactions work because everyone has one and everyone trusts them because they limit liability for both buyer and seller.

On the other hand, since I am loathe to do business with someone too dishonest to leave a non-fictitious e-mail address, I never have responded to these come-ons.

But recently, I found myself in the dance of death with such a provider. My web host, Verio-Tabnet, partners with a company called Worldwide Merchants to create turnkey e-commerce solutions -- an online store with shopping cart and credit card capabilities. From their joint ad, it sounded doable for $450.

I read it wrong, but I didn't know how wrong until I got a call from Worldwide Merchants sales, from a gentleman named Mark Harris.

Harris seemed congenial enough, but the numbers kept changing. First the $450 doubled, then it septupled, as he psychologically roped me into a long-term leasing arrangement that included equipment, bank card privileges, and software.

This was where my inner greed blossomed into full flower. I have wanted to sell my writings online for years, and this was my big chance. So instead of hanging up on Mr. Harris, I agreed to a wire transfer to him of a $100 down payment.

In two days I got a fat overnight express envelope containing contracts and papers, guaranteeing payment of a minimum of $70 a month for four years.

Staring at the numbers in the cold light of reality -- the world is not currently beating down my doors to read what I write -- I knew I would never be able to clear $70 a month in profit, so I couldn't go forward. I wrote Mr. Harris an apologetic note, and began the difficult business of getting on with my life, sans e-commerce.

But first Mr. Harris called me back, only now he wasn't so congenial. The conversation was a dilly. Harris said, "I'm not in the habit of working for hours to write up a contract, and spending company dollars overnighting materials, only to be left at the altar like this."

"But I had second thoughts," I explained. " If you make a big purchase, the law lets you change your mind. Don't people do this all the time?"

"Not to me they don't."

"Well, I'm sorry, but isn't this part of doing business, spending money cultivating a prospect, then losing the sale? It happens in my business. It's not my favorite part, but --"

"What you do in your business is -- uh -- your business," Harris shot back. "I can see now that you're just a small-timer, and I'm a fool not to have seen that from the start."

"But I told you I was a small-timer," I said. Yes, I had!

"You certainly are."

Not a pretty exchange. I was grateful, in a way, because by the end of it I was sure glad I didn't do business with Worldwide Merchants E-Commerce. I wondered how good the merchant credit card business could be, if Harris was acting out a scene from Glengarry Glen Ross over a piddly prospect like myself.

Mr. Harris was so ugly with me that I didn't have the nerve to ask him for a refund of my $100 down payment. The wire transfer should have been one of many tipoffs about the company. It was an e-commerce company that didn't do business by e-mail, and a credit card company that didn't allow credit cards!

As for me, I am no further along the e-commerce curve than I was a month ago. I am exploring other ways to do transactions. There's an affordable check-writing system available, by which a buyer writes a check to the seller, filling in his check account number, and the check is cleared in real time, and printed out on the seller's laser or inkjet.

The digital cash solutions propounded a few years ago haven't worked. No buyer wants to put $500 in an account, and then find a place to actually spend it.

Until I do find a solution, I'm keeping my website free, and asking visitors who enjoy my work to use my link next time they visit Amazon.com for books or music. That way I get a referral fee of a few pennies on the occasional dollar, and I keep providing the texts of my books and articles for free download.

I continue to get daily credit card service offers, but no one ever includes a legitimate e-mail address. You can't read their offers; they can only be explained over the phone, in real, nail-biting time. Gee, I wonder why.