Date of publication: March 2000

"A Fistful of Dog Food"

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It's not easy being a futurist. People hail me on the street, grab me by the sleeve, and won't let go unless I tell them if Detroit will have hydrogen-powered cars by 2012, because they're thinking of getting one.

When I tell them I don't know - what do I know about cars? -- they give me that look, like I could tell them, only I won't. What can I say? Make an appointment!

Truth is, anyone can be a futurist. The trick is to keep your crystal-balling tied to very specific things. Like - I'm looking about my office for something to focus on - like that bowl of dog food in the corner, by the file cabinet. (My dog and I office together.)

It's just kibble -- dried crumbs of baked soybean paste. The stuff makes most dogs salivate on cue. It contains all the nutrition a dog is known to have, according to the bag.

If you're of a languid temperament, you'll say kibble is perfect, as is. It has plateaued. It's time to close the history books on dog food. Turn out the lights, the party's over?

Contrariwise, if your temperament tends toward the excitable, you may think dog food is about to undergo a dramatic, computer-based transformation. Like everything else in our civilization, we'll find ways to:

    • miniaturize it - genetically manipulated soy proteins allow one bowl to feed the whole pack
    • personalize it - every dog will download specially prepared dinners based on his proclivities and nutritional needs ("Laddie's Four Star Sardine and Cat-Smell Chow")
    • make it self-delivering - time-delayed bean nodules swell up in the dog's digestive tract at predetermined intervals, bypassing tongue and teeth
    • smarten it up - intelligent nanobots embedded in the beans will report on the dog's internal health ("Rex is exhibiting enzyme scores consistent with cheese deficiency")

But guess what - languid or excitable, you're wrong.

See, I base my predictions of the future - someone no one has one iota of information about -- on two things we do have data from, the past and present.

In the distant past, dogs did not have 40 pound bags of baked soy kibble. They were resourceful omnivores, scarfing up whatever nature provided them - game, carrion, a little grass, a little grain. They were even equipped to endure 2-3 day periods with no food at all. Fasting, necessitated by unavailability, drilled discipline and patience into the species.

But my most important data comes from the present. You see, my dog can't stand kibble. When he was a puppy I managed to cram a few chunks down his gullet. But he is hip to that action now. Fool me once, shame on you, is his attitude.

The kibble I described in his bowl has been there for almost eight months. Look close and you can see tiny spider-webs interlacing the dusty chunks. The only reason I haven't thrown it out is because a battle of wills is underway. We both think we are winning.

Meanwhile Beau is fit and trim from a nutritional regimen he devises for himself, made entirely of food he steals from the rest of the family. A Fruit Loop here, a lamb shank there -- it all adds up, and provides Beau with a rich, balanced, diverse diet.

How fit is he? The dog has ribs, but damn if I can see any of them.

So based on this experience, I predict that future dogs will be empowered to make their own food choices, based on what everyone else is having.

A broader question is, What happens once we start empowering dogs? The fabric of society begins to pull apart, as if fought over by a pair of wrangling schnauzers.

If they can order for themselves off the adult menu, what else will follow, as night follows day?

Will they choose food that is good for them, like kibble? Or will they succumb to the dark side of their natures, gorging on heavy cream and braunschweiger?

Dogs, I remind you, do only two things, eat and sleep. Why then must they eat so fast? Is it that they are late for naps?

Will they remember to fast every now and then, to maintain the discipline of their species? Or will they deteriorate into a species of slovenly slobs?

These are issues a futurist can cut his teeth on. Best thing is, your dog won't live long enough to prove me wrong.

 

To visit M. Finley, go to http://mfinley.com, or write him at mfinley@mfinley.com.

 

 

 

 

America's Best-Loved Futurist(TM), Michael Finley has a free gift for visitors to http://mfinley.com.


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