I misunderstood him, mistaking the book for The Bible Code, another book that came out a year ago, claiming the Bible contains hidden messages decipherable only by computer. (Who would require such a development to get religious?)

But my friend was adamant. I had to read this book, a summer thriller. So I did what everyone is doing: I became an Amazon.com associate (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/subst/partners/associates/associates.html), sold myself a copy of the book, and pocketed the $1.27 discount. The book arrived two days later.

I have now read it, and am meeting with legal counsel to discuss possible action against the author, who goes by the pseudonym John Case.

The Genesis Code (Ballantine, $6.95 paper) is a mystery-suspense with a clever techno-supernatural twist. It's about a plot to rebuild from DNA certain messianic figures from about the first century AD. The hero is Joe Lassiter, an investigator trying to find out how his sister died. The trail leads him to a Garbo-like, reclusive movie star from Minneapolis named Callista Bates.

And this is where I come in. Read along with me and tell me this isn't litigatable:

[Page 348] "… 'How do you know it was Callista?'

"'Some stringer from the Enquirer shows up and finesses her name from the receptionist. Next thing, he's banging on her door -- knock knock! Who's there? The Enquirer!'"

"'How do you know it was Callista Bates?'

"'The stringer -- guy named Michael Finley -- takes pictures. Now, I admit -- her hair is brown, cut different. Sunglasses. But it looks like her. No question.'

"'Looks like her.'

"'I'm not done! I called Finley. And he told me he knows this was Callista Bates.'

"'What happened to Finley?'

"'Oh, Finley did fine. Don't worry about Finley. Finley got her damn charge records. He's still living off the stuff. You know: "Callista's Favorite Restaurants!" "Callista Hits Rodeo Drive." That sort of thing.'"

[Page 350]: "'See what you can find. And while you're there -- give me the reporter's number. What's his name? Finley.'

"Stoykavich recited the number. 'Just one thing,' he said.

"'What's that?'

"'When you call Finley? Hang on to your wallet.'"

Wait, it gets worse:

"Well, if you hear anything --"

"I might. We've got a stringer who's made a career out of Callista --"

"Finley?"

"Yeah -- you already talked to him? I hope he was discreet. Because Finley is a pit bull."

Later [Page 363], I track Callista following her disappearance:

"'She abandoned the Honda. Left it in her parking lot and took the damn van. Of course, maybe she had a lot of stuff. So maybe the van was more useful. That's what Finley thinks, anyway.'

"Lassiter's heart sank. 'So Finley knows she had a van.'

"It was a statement, not a question, and Lassiter felt empty, as his short-lived excitement crashed and his new 'lead' began to fade into just another dead end. If Finley knew she'd left in a van, he'd have tracked it to the ends of the earth."

OK. I concede several points. My name is Michael Finley. I am Twin Cities-based. I am a reporter and a stringer. I have been known to pursue celebrities in my work (http://mfinley.com/list-celebrities.htm). Yes, I have a persistent side. And my work is routinely offered for option to the Philadelphia Enquirer.

But come on. A pit bull? Once upon a time, maybe. But these days, I';m much closer to a golden retriver. Or a basenji. Watch your wallet? I should watch my wallet. I am always leaving it at the 7-Eleven. The scum of the earth follow me out to the parking lot. "Hey, mister, you forgot this!"

It just seems to me we've arrived at a sorry state when private persons like myself (since when does having your picture in Computer User make you a celebrity?) are portrayed this way without so much as a how-do-you-do.

And I have some advice for Mr. Case, if that is his real nom de plume. If I was a celebrity, and he wanted to write a true roman a clef (a novel in which the characters are thinly disguised actual persons) don't build me up as a colorful supporting character and then not feature me in an actual scene.

I have some great dialogue ideas. ("Am I talking to you?") I cock my right eyebrow, that's better than 10 pages of exposition. Did I tell you I'm an excellent driver?

Next time, work with me, and we can send all the lawyers packing.

America's Best-Loved Technology Writer(TM), Michael Finley has a free gift for visitors to http://mfinley.com.