Copyright © 1996 by Michael Finley

{Editors: you may wish to preface this satire with a warning that the products and phone numbers are fictitious.]

The vacation season is finally upon us, and that means it is time once again to seamlessly blend one's work life with family fun.

As a computerist, you do not really need vacations. You have all the vacating you need, staring right back at you on your desktop, endlessly interesting and energizing.

But families are different, and they will expect you to come along. Before you head out to the lake or to the mountains or beach, however, here are some product ideas that may make your holiday break more productive.

"Does it make any difference which road I take to Park Rapids?" "No, not to me it don't." You don't have to be the victim of the cruel humor of locals now that, for $39.95, you can own Skip Nordlund's Multimedia Guide to North Country Resorts, Cottages, and Campgrounds (800-432-7332). This 3-CD-ROM set lists every cabin from Alastair to Zimmerman, complete with aerial GIFS of every campsite layout and relief maps of over 36 different Moose Lakes. Plus cultural tips explaining whether what you're about to eat is "lunch," "supper," or "dinner." With this authoritative compendium in the front seat, you may never have to stop and ask for directions again.

That small kitchen table isn't big enough for both your complete desktop computer and dinner for your family. That's where Virtual Luxury's Florentine Cuisine CD-ROM comes in. The monitor displays over 450 scrumptious multi-course Northern Italian meals to the glorious music of The Three Tenors while your clan shovels pork and beans from paper plates on their laps.

How many times have you set up your system in a strange hotel room or cabin, only to find the available light is inadequate or casts an long shadow on your screen? Now you can light up your life on the road with Transmanco's Halogen Helmet ($69). With this brilliant 250-watt light source attached to the front of your head, everything you turn toward will be blindingly visible. Warning: Not to be used for shining deer.

You're supposed to be watching the kids, but you're expecting important email. Not a problem if you have Hey Mister, from Loco Parentis ($299). A robotic arm waves from a chaise lounge while a closed-circuit video camera relays images to a small corner of your monitor screen of your kids playing way out on the end of the dock.

"Dad, the computer beeping is keeping us up!" How many times have you had to put up with that? Well, now you can mask the sound your PC makes with Somcom's Dream Machine, a random noise generator that manufactures a continuous stream of sounds as unexpected as gunfire, locomotive whistles and stampeding cattle. Volume adjustable to 90 dB. ($129)

Cellular phoning even when there are no cells -- get out! Sure, there are still places in deserts and glacial shelves and deep wells where cell signals weaken. Chances are, you'll be vacationing there. And you'll still get great reception with AT&E's SelFone ($299 ), which converts your body into a bionic cell relayer. Simply wrap yourself in the gummed space-age foil, extend the antenna headset and dial to your heart's content! Works best atop tall trees. Each set comes with complimentary can of Deep Woods Off.

Nothing to read at the lake? That sad lament shows you are not hooked up to The Online Book Club, which provides you with a wide variety of onscreen reading materials while you sunbathe, fish, or just hunker by the grill. What could be more contemplative than blue sky, warm sun, and a soothing work of literature? June's offerings include "How We Die," "Geraldo Unauthorized," "The Painted Bird," "Java for Anencephalics," and "I, Unabomber."

Instead of being afraid of lightning and its unexpected "surges," why not tame it and put it to work massaging your data? Erie Electronics of Toledo advertises an Outdoor Current Capture Unit ($29.95) that can tap right into the power of nature's majestic lightshows. Simply attach the zirconium rod and cable to the top of your camper, tent, or cabin and plug the other end into the back of your PC. Converts even a 386 into a real screamer.

Tenting is great, but not if you're working off a three-hour laptop battery. Luckily, the good people at Mycrad have come up with The Acid Test ($1999), a unique mobile energy system capable of keeping your system up and running up to 22,000 hours! The Acid Test is a trailer-based "motherbed" socketed for up to 10,000 parallel processing "C" batteries. Attaches to any heavy-duty pickup with a standard ball-hitch. Turn signals really work! Batteries not included.

Why allow drive-time to cut into your vacation productivity? With PC-Steering, from AxiDent ($895), it just isn't necessary. Simply disconnect the horn and emergency light from your steering column and plug the unique semicircular keyboard into the center of the steering wheel. LCD display fits right over your speedometer for easy reading. Presto, your car is a horseless workstation. Smart shoppers will spring for the optional dimmer mirror ($69.95) that eliminates the glare of oncoming cars.

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