"What's this?" I said. "I did not rent a copy of Mighty Joe Young." For you see, I hadn't.

"The computer says you did."

"But, but --" I explained. "I rented several movies, but not Mighty Joe Young."

"Well, our computer says you did."

"Yes," I said, "I recall you mentioning something about that." I tried another tack. "If you have a slip with my signature on it, then we'll talk."

"Well, you'll have to come in and speak to Gary, the manager," the clerk said, and hung up.

But I didn't race down to the video store to plead my case to Gary. Instead I went about my life, as I sometimes do. Four days later the phone rang again.

"Mr. Finley, you didn't come in to talk to Gary about Mighty Joe Young."

"I didn't see why I should. I know I didn't rent it. Did you find my signature on a slip?" You see, I knew she hadn't.

"Yes." She had. I winced, realizing I haven't read a movie rental slip in fifteen years of renting.

"Well, it's still a mistake," I said. "Your barcode database urped."

"Our computer couldn't make this particular error," the clerk said. She went on and on describing why, an insider explanation I couldn't quite follow.

But what set me off was just a wee trace of attitude in her voice -- like, aren't thieving customers tedious?

I sighed.

"It seems to me you have a choice," I said very gravely. "Believe your computer, which has caused you to call me several times in the past with similar complaints, all of which turned out to be baseless.

"Or believe me. I've been a customer for fourteen years. I've spent upwards of $5,000 at your store over that period -- maybe twice that. And I've paid scores of late fees, without whining once."

"I'm not authorized to believe you," she said. "Only Gary can do that."

That did it. I was now officially put out. I jumped into my car and sped down the street to the video shop. The clerk, a youngish woman with a pierced eyebrow, could tell from the look in my eye I was trouble.

"Where's Gary?" I said.

She grimaced. "He's left for the day." And with her jaw slightly open she ceremoniously slid toward me a receipt signed by me for the rental of Mighty Joe Young, plus three other films I recognized. Ouch.

But it no longer mattered. I launched into a tirade about how impolite and unwise it was to chasten me about a lost movie that I never had in my hands, signature or no signature. The loop in her eyebrow was causing me to twitch.

"I'm only assistant manager," she said, eyeing the other customers at the counter, who were in turn kind of leaning forward to catch each drop of vitriol as it tumbled from my mandibles.

I left in a huff -- the 2-door sport sedan model. And as I walked the dog, still fretting, I composed the following mental note to Gary:

Last week I rented a movie from you that was not Mighty Joe Young. It might have been Hitchcock's Spellbound, the one where Gregory Peck loses his memory. Like Peck, I'm a little fuzzy on specifics. But I am quite clear on there not being a giant ape in it.

The Hitchcock movie that I took from your shelf was in another movie's box -- Mighty Joe Young's. A careless renter or in-store mischief-maker switched them. Your video boxes are pretty generic, so this could happen.

Thus, when I presented Spellbound at the barcode reader, it read Mighty Joe Young. When I returned the move later that week, Spellbound was returned to its place on the suspense shelf.

Where is Mighty Joe Young? I suspect he is somewhere in your store, in yet another slipcase. You are not missing a movie -- it is merely miscatalogued.

To visit M. Finley, go to http://mfinley.com, or write him at mfinley@mfinley.com.

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