by Michael Finley
Copyright © 1996 by Michael Finley

There have been occasional reports of celebrities spending spare time in cyberspace. Mick Jagger is said to enjoy it, along with Billy Graham and Al Gore. I think Cher said she does it.

But imagining Queen Elizabeth is out there in the darkness alongside us on the World Wide Web is almost more than I can get my mind around. Since her girlhood in World War II and her 47 years on the throne, and all her family's matrimonial struggles over the decades, she's had her hands full just holding the monarchy together.

There are so many things she has never essayed on her own, like making toast or adding softener before the rinse cycle. The Times says she has been coached by the Duke of Edinburgh. Even so, how did she find time for the Internet, or the inclination, or the comfort level?

I'm going to imagine I am online with her right now, and ask the questions I've always been curious about.

Q. Do you type your own words? Lou Reed did when he chatted on Compuserve last year. But then, he had some experience, having worked as a typist several weeks once, back in the 1960s.

Q. What kind of PC and modem do you use? My guess is that it's a good one, even if all you use it for is getting and answering e-mail.

Q. Do you use an alias online, and if so, what? if I was queen, I would call myself Her Nibs. But that's me. Other possibilities: Mum One, Libby's on the Label, and High Dudgeon.

Q. Do you have security people monitoring your conversations to make sure nothing untoward occurs? I can imagine a lovely chat about rhododendrons being marred by Interpol agents bursting in and wrestling me to the floor.

Q. What do you do when strangers come on to you in mail? If I logged on and called myself Elizabeth II, I know I would be very popular with a large subset of computer users who have never spoken to a female except in e-mail.

Q. Have you ever met Lou Reed? What was he like?

Q. If someone online is rude to you, and you say, "You do realize you are addressing the Queen of England," what does that do to the tenor of the conversation?

Q. Doesn't the familiarity of the net augur against pomp and ceremony? I have argued with people in Usenet newsgroups whom no credential would impress. I think of that scene in Annie Hall where Woody Allen pulls Marshall McLuhan from behind a kiosk to settle an argument with a nabob in the ticket line. But you could McLuhan, whereas you are cloaked from view. How do we know you're the Queen?

Q. Is there some sign you can give that you are who you say you are? I know you have a royal seal in the real world, but how can we be sure when you send us a note that it's really you? You can't give away state secrets, and you don't want to surrender whatever is left of your privacy. Yet we need assurance you aren't pulling our common leg. This seems to me an almost insurmountable handicap unless you're willing to undergo some sort of digital tattoo. But is England ready for a barcoded queen?

Q. Do people send the queen spam, what kind, and what do you do about it? I am often tempted to say, "Off with their heads!", Alice in Wonderland style, but I can't make it stick like you can.

Q. Would you be interested in a guaranteed moneymaking opportunity working right out of your home?

Q. Does Bill Gates sometimes seem just a little too high and mighty to you, too?

Q. What are some of your favorite newsgroups? You can use a search engine to find topics that will likely interest you. My search turned up: alt.music.queen, alt.music.prince, alt.gossip.royalty, alt.queens.ny, queens.general, and alt.kc-royals.

Q. Is the royal family planning a website? It would be interesting to see pictures of your pets, what movies you've seen, and links to other sites you like. Did you see "Con-Air"? That was a good one. Or you could talk about how your son is going to be king. That is an accomplishment he and you can be very proud of.

(Answer: There already is an official web site for Queen Elizabeth II and her family, but it seems staff-created. Check out "The British Monarchy" at http://www.royal.gov.uk/. Every week over a million people do. But no, there are no baby pictures of Prince Charles. And no, Her Majesty is not the richest woman in the world, according to the site. Buckingham Palace and the crown jewels? Loaners.)

Michael Finley has just learned that Techno-Crazed, much of which appeared first in these pages, has been remaindered. Console Mike by writing him at mfinley@mfinley.com, or visit him at http://mfinley.com.

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