Random Acts of Techno Kindness

You don't have to change everything about yourself. Those kinds of changes seldom work. But if you nip a corner here, fold away some counterproductive practice there, you can make noticeable changes.

And you don't need to drive elephants across the Alps. You can become a better person just sitting in front of your computer. Here are just a dozen ways your dealings with technology can make 1996 a better year for everybody:

Write your mother. Though she has not acquired an e-mail address, she is still entitled to your love and attention, even with the unconscionable delay of hand-delivery.

Have respect for our duly elected representatives, toiling away in the nation's capital to curb our freedom of expression on the Net. The fact that they know next to nothing about the digital revolution, and even less about the U.S. Constitution, does not mean we should treat them shabbily.

Be a good techno-camper. Don't leave dead hot-links lying around the Web to waste other users' time. Douse the smoldering embers of Usenet wars so they are not inadvertently fanned back into flame. Say "Please," and "Thank you," and "In my opinion." Then the killer: "Come to think of it, you're right and I'm wrong."

Forgive novice e-mail users. When a newcomer complains about being on a long mail-list, and mails the complaint by mistake to everyone on the list, shrug it off as the ignorance of youth. Remember, there was a time -- and not so long ago, either -- when you, too, didn't know your head from a hole in the ground.

Forebear. When your repair person says it will be six weeks till your fritzed motherboard can be replaced, and no, there is no loaner for the meantime, do not collapse in a puddle of sobbing flesh. Into every life a little rain must fall; you may have just ensured good weather for your next six incarnations.

If a spam artist should spam you, do not smite him back. First of all, the address on the header is likely a fake. Second, the more of your time they take up, the more they win in the Cyber Aggravation Sweepstakes. When you and 100 million other people are offered the chance to make big bucks selling steel-toed shoes by e-mail, chuckle and tell yourself, hey, I've got a job.

Don't get high and mighty with your Internet Service Provider. Sure, today's news is dated last week. Sure, you can't connect with your own ftp directory or home page. These are penny ante problems. Think of the fix they are in: three or four UNIX programmers who thought they could make a little side-money on the Internet fad, and are now expected to provide mass-volume reliability on a par with the Federal Reserve. Genetically unequipped to communicate with unhappy customers, and technologically unable to keep pace with their own rapid growth, they are on an express bus to hell.

Be nice to God's creatures. Let the cat sleep on the laserprinter with its tail dipping into the sheet feeder. Let the dog gnaw on the power cable to your fax machines. Think of your home office as a Pavlovian experiment. Why holler till you're hoarse at creatures who don't understand English, much less physics. These bad habits soon self-correct.

Have pity on a technophobe. When they imply you are cheap and soulless for spending your time at console, remember they are dying inside because they missed out on the ride of their lifetimes. When they scold you for your fascination with "thingamabobs" and "watchamajiggers," nod sweetly and agree. This is the only fun the new age provides them.

When the long distance service sales caller from Sprint, MCI or AT&T calls, don't be peevish. This caller is not responsible for the other fourteen calls you have gotten this week. Just say, sure, switch me over, to each one that calls. Your invoices will be total chaos, but eventually you will end up on the list of people no one is making money on.

Have a kind thought about Bill Gates. Sure, he owns you and your progeny yea unto the seventh generation. But if you read about his life, you learn he was nearly autistic as a child. Think what a challenge it was for him to summon the extroversion to outsmart IBM, put together a world-class organization and become, of all things, a kind of public seer. We say billionaires can't possibly know how hard some people have it, but in this case we're probably wrong.

And always, always, always be nice to tech support. Even if you have been waiting in the phone queue at a dime a minute for forty minutes, listening to Kenny G interspersed with vapid computer ads, be nice. These people are closer to going postal than you or I will ever know.

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