Sunday, September 2000

Future Shoes: "A Solution to Road Rage"

by Michael Finley

Copyright (c) 2000 by Michael Finley

I made a right turn on a red light this week, and I must tell you, I have made better right turns. A car perhaps 100 yards behind me was heading through the same light. As fate would have it, he had to slow from 50 miles per hour to about 40 because of me -- almost all the way down to the 35 mph speed limit -- and was he mad.

My first reaction was a ladylike "forgive-me wave" in my rear view mirror, but he would have none of it. He sped up until his car was perhaps six inches from nine, and laid on his horn for a full 30 seconds.

Well. When he did that, I put away my "forgive-me wave" and deliberately slowed to the posted speed limit. You want to know how hockey fathers can kill one another on the ice? It happens in this split second of challenge. We just go nuts, and the most idiotic behavior suddenly seems compellingly necessary.

If I’d had a bazooka at that moment, I would have had to do a lot of cognitive self-talk to not fire it. ("But Mike, you'll be in prison the rest of your life.") Ah, the many downsides of testosterone.

My worthy adversary roared around me, passing on my right, still honking like crazy, and exhibiting, if I'm not mistaken, a red garnet ring on his middle finger.

What has this to do with computers? It got me thinking, that's what. And please don't ask me that again.

Here we sit in traffic every day. We are encircled with advanced technology -- audio systems, sensors, warning lights, in-car computers, airbags. But we have nothing with which to communicate with all the other people on the road, except the garnet rings on our middle fingers.

We can lay on our horns, which is fun. Or flash our headbeams, and maybe blind our worthy adversary. We could call them on CB radio -- "Hey, big buddy, whyncha lay off my rear view and live to see tomorrow?"

I suppose we could roll down the window and address our worthy adversary via bullhorn. Very attention-getting. Very dangerous. You could hit your dog in the head with the bullhorn.

We could call on the cellphone, if we have one, and they have one, and you know their number.

But those solutions are so ... analog.  Instead, I propose a digital solution -- the Auto Rooftop Message Board. A streaming marquee fitted to your car's roof. You dictate your message to a microphone, voice recognition software converts the message to ASCII characters and displays them. The board can be rotated so drivers at any angle from your car can read it.

If the offending car is ahead of you, it automatically displays the message in reverse type, a la ECNALUBMA signs.

And what do you say? I think a set of 10 stock rude messages would suffice for 90% of situations, like:

• "What's the matter with you?" (Your worthy adversary then responds, possibly with what you want him to say: "I am an idiot.")
• "You are frightening me." (A peace offering really. You’re saying, "You win, now go away. Please?")
• "Did your parents drop all their children on their head?" (Doesn’t work for only children, and has been known to not work with non-only children.)

You create your own boilerplate messages when you install it, or you can use the steering-wheel keypad to create insulting messages on the fly -- no more dangerous than using a cellphone or sending a fax.

You may object: "But aren’t you just substituting expletives for shotgun blasts, and isn’t this just another sign that our liberty-addled society is going even further down the toilet than we ever thought it could possible plunge?"

And I say, "Who the ^%$#& asked you?"

 

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Michael Finley's FUTURE SHOES

1841 Dayton Avenue

St. Paul, MN 55104

Phone 651-644-4540