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That was before we discovered the Behemoth 2000, the world's first all-terrain, Internet-ready, multi-node recreation vehicle.
The Behemoth is an integrated 34-foot, six-wheel drive communications center complete with rooftop satellite dish, client-server multimedia network. The heart of the beast is Behemoth's five compartmentalized "playstations," each with its own virtual reality helmet, two-way video cameras, and feedback response system.
In the old days, we'd drive all cramped together in a car, and point out the windows at the trees and deer and such. Boring!
With the Behemoth, we all man our separate stations, "see" the deer or tree throught the closed-circuit TV system, and "vote" our reaction to one another using infrared hand-held devices, which feed the vote to the server, which tallies and displays the vote and then creates onscreen graphs showing the numerical depth of our appreciation -- who likes the deer a lot, who is so-so about it, and comparing this sighting with the last dozen deer we saw, and how we felt about them.
It gets better. Using screen-within-a-screen TV technology, each monitor can actually show the facial reactions of each family member. This way we all share and enjoy one another's enthusiasms and innermost feelings, having the net effect of bringing the family closer together.
I know I won't soon forget when we saw some uncouth campers stub a cigarette butt out on a woodland path. I looked up and saw a tear running down each of our family members' faces. The campers saw it, too, thanks to the Diamond-Vision side-panels.
The Behemoth 2000 has automated our enjoyment of nature. With its 1100-hp Komatsu diesel engines, there is no hillside we cannot clamber up, whether there is a previously-blazed trail or not. Often we take it into our heads to make a shortcut for other nature-lovers to enjoy. We often see young hikers in our rear-view mirror, waving to us in that Arsenio-style, closed-hand pump, grateful for the new trail we have made.
It has made us aware of the fragile nature of the wilderness. Very often, after backing into a campsite -- we prefer three sites across, to give lots of room -- we poignantly note the bits of tattered canvass and nylon caught between our tank tracks, left behind by some careless tenters. Nature is indeed fragile, and we are so lucky to be seeing it before it is all gone.
Everyone asks about the satellite dish. Basically, it links up to the CampSat orbiter launched by AARPANET in the late '80s to transmit camping information to retired military intelligence professionals. With a few keystrokes, operators can be advised of road and weather conditions, campsite vacancies, and record fish sizes at nearby lakes and streams. Enter your password and you can reserve hookups, buy firewood, and schedule septic dumps at any of 900 state and national parks, forests, and places of historic interest.
A day in the Behemoth is a circle of cycles. Morning comes, and we examine the day's email over Toaster Strudel, and gaze out at nature through the bullet-proof glass. Afternoons, and the kids return from one of their rare sojourns outside the vehicle with leaves they have taken from other children. Midnight, and our gang of cut-ups gets a little bit wacky, as we cruise through the campgrounds, bulldozing dangerous campfires and shouting karaoke through the rooftop loudspeaker system. Tie a yellow ribbon, everybody!
One of the fascinating routines is refueling time, and we are still fascinated with the en-route refueling, as the tanker truck pulls up alongside, docks with our moving vehicle, fills us up and sends us on our way to the next lucky park. We know this strikes some motorists as extreme -- particularly those headed toward us -- but it beats the sad looks we used to see on people's faces when gas station attendants put out the Sorry, Sold Out, Next Station 68 Miles sign in our wake.
Ordinary people can't afford this fine and full-featured machine. Most registered users are warlords, emirates, or rock groups. Ours fell into our hands, having served as a rolling recording studio for a band that then experienced artistic differences. After they dried it out and picked the seaweed off, we were able to acquire it for song. Our one customization was to hitch a secondary model to a ball hitch in back. We use the main vehicle for the long haul, but we make side trips, like to buy travelers checks, in the shuttlecraft.
The Behemoth 2000 is like a member of our family. The kids nicknamed it "RV Wallbanger," after that experience at Carlsbad Caverns. The wife calls it Wide Load II, in deference to me. I just call it "The Valdez," because when I am at that wheel I know how Captain Hazelwood felt, with the eyes of the world upon him' A little bit giddy, a little bit tipsy, and all that oil in the hold.
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