by Michael Finley
Copyright © 1997 by Michael Finley

The Senate trotted out an assortment of IRS victims, who testified that they had been hounded to the ends of the earth for outlandish judgments, like an $18,000 penalty for a priest whose mother left him money.

Then, veiled agents disclosed that district IRS offices have offender quotas they must meet. Penalties assessed against these offenders are then tallied as revenue. So there is every reason for your tax office to penalize you as much as possible. Unless they screw you, they aren't really doing their job.

The acting director of IRS was shocked and dismayed to learn such activities were occurring on his watch. But never again, he promised. From now on, the IRS will be a good citizen, whom taxpayers have no more reason to fear than a rascally puppy hopping out of his box on Christmas morning.

This represents a new development for most of us. For years we've all been afraid to say boo about the taxing authority of the government. Not that we live in a gulag -- heavens, no. We just don't want to go to the gulag.

This is particularly true those of us in the public eye, because the IRS loves to make examples of us high-profile types. One minute you see a breezy stand-up comic poking fun at the IRS, the next thing you know he's bawling his eyes out on the cover of Distressed Celebrity. "They took my dog!" the headline screams. "I want my Laddie!"

I myself have lived in a secret terror that one night I would get a knock on the door and be asked to recompute the grocery sack of seventy-five-cent parking ramp receipts I collect every year. And those trips to Aruba with my able administrative assistant, Bubbles, are all to discuss big deals I have in the works, honest. And it is my considered opinion that people's business acumen doesn't really get into high gear over lunch until midway between the second and third martini.

But the fear is gone, and I, for one, am glad. And so is Claude Needham, head of an Internet outfit that goes by the name of SlimeMold Technologies(TM). (I have to be careful to get that "TM" in there, because with an attractive name like that there will be many imitators.)

Needham and the other enterprising people at slimmed have created two high-concept games in recent weeks capitalizing on events in the news. The first is called 'Paparazzi.' It subjects players to irritating and endlessly annoying shutter clicks and grunts. Contrary to what you might think, it's quite a popular game. SlimeMold has received 30,000 hits in a little more than a week. That's a dramatic climb from their customary 1,000 hits per month.

That was last week. This week, SlimeMold has put an even more abusive game on the market. Called "Crusher: A Short Trip to the IRS," it is somewhat like other 3-D action games you may have seen -- except that it allows players only one option, the option of squirming, and pathetically little of that. Needham figures SlimeMold has captured the essence of the IRS. The old IRS.

Needham pointed out that both these games are free. There is no charge of any kind for downloading them. Asked how he makes the costs of development and promotion, Needham answered: "Volume." Here's presuming that the IRS, of which we no longer need to be afraid, will keep a close eye on that volume, just in case.

Needless to say, I liked the cut of Claude's jib. If you have the time and inclination, check out his plans at "And Inc." at http://www.slimeworld.org/galaxy/fyi/, where he details his next corporate lightning-strike, his plan to copyright the conjunction and.

Get the drift? Needham is one of those people you run into on the net, who on a planet with three suns would be king for life, but here is forced to eke out an existence as a genius way off to the margins of things, issuing warnings no one can afford to heed, but nevertheless give one lengthy pause. Here he weighs in on the controversial topic of tap water:

"No one wants to confront the fact that every glass of water that one drinks contains molecules of H2O that have been through countless millions of kidneys and bladders. Oh, I can hear the scientific-realists now, saying 'Yes, but the water molecules get cleaned-up by sand-filtration and the evaporative rain process.' Well, if that's true why can't we all became virgins again by a good shower and move to a new town?"

Why, indeed? And I'll tell you this. Before I pay one cent more in income tax, I want something done about this water situation.