Have you ever wondered why technology is so hard to get? Have you ever considered it might be your own fault?

I decided this after listening to hellacious accounts of user misbehavior in the alt.folklore.computers Usenet newsgroup of the Internet.

The poor devils who roost, laborers in the technology fields, have been put through the mill every which way by user stupidity, laziness, and moral turpitude.

"People refuse to read the docs," said one fellow. "Anyone who trusts the data of his business to a system he is unwilling to learn is a fool, and I have no pity for him," said another. A third suggested that "technology isn't supposed to be everyone -- just people with IQs in the double digits or higher."

Do not be misled, people -- that was an insult.

Was this just the overreaction of stressed out knowledge workers? I think not. These are people who knock themselves out creating, selling, and servicing the most wonderful products the world has ever known -- and their reward is having to do business with the likes of us.

Here's how it works. A company has an idea, a good one. It designs the product and sets it loose in the marketplace. Their plan all along called for a Power User type customer, for whom new technologies present no mental obstacles; or the lesser ideal, the Plugger who only with intense effort wrestles new technologies to the ground.

But these ideal customers account for only a small fraction of the PC-using public. The rest of us are all over the place:

Some of us are People Persons. We think in terms of feelings and organic relationships. Systematic thinking of the sort you need to learn Lotus 1-2-3 isn't in our natures. But we buy it anyway, because ads stress the product is user-friendly.

Those of us with Artistic Dispositions never quite get with the program. They are self-directed, and can't be bothered with the universe the software wants to superimpose over their own. They use computers and software in a limited fashion, but have zero enthusiasm for them.

Some users are Worriers by nature. Their fear that something will go wrong prevents them from ever exploring a system the way a complex system like the Internet or DOS needs to be explored. But they keep great backups.

Some people are Overenthusiasts. They get so immersed in the trivia of technology that they lose sight of the Big Scheme. They decline to read manuals and help files, but cheerfully badmouth the company in CompuServe forums. They buy too impulsively, with too little research, and even that is conducted too late at night.

Others are of the Executive temperament, whether we rule from the penthouse or mop up the outhouse. We aren't patient with steep learning curves. Net it out for us upfront or get out of our sight. The worst customers of all, I learned in alt.folklore.computers, are bosses.

Then you have your bona fide Technophobe, rare but still out there and bemoaning the existence of anything more advanced than a one-horse dray. To the true Technophobe, anything electronic is the spawn of Satan, and all its promises are cruel lies. (He's right, but does he have to be so cocksure about it?)

There are dozens of more types. Dabblers, One-Note Johnnies, Sloths, Misers, Whiners -- you know them. The point is that we are all different but we are all sold the same systems with the same materials, aimed at only one or two types, the Power User and the Plugger. The rest of us are left to scratch our heads and imagine what it's like to be part of progress.

I predict that someday companies will see the light, appreciate the diversity of their customer base, and prepare interactive teaching materials that first find out what kind of people we are, then customize a training regimen that makes sense for our type. It could all be done on a single CD-ROM.

Software could find out from us before we learn it what our learning strengths and weaknesses are, and make adjustments. Worriers need their hands held. The Executive needs an executive summary to get her up and running without a lot of fuss. The Technophobe needs to retain his dignity and reverence for tradition in the face of change. People Persons may need to learn technology the old-fashioned way, in an apprenticeship to someone they respect.

Custom teaching subprograms could even offer demographic and psychographic bells and whistles to draw in the individual. You could have as your choice of narrator Eve Arden, Richard Roundtree, or Brad Pitt. The theme fanfare could be Sibelius, Yancovic, or Nine Inch Nails. And no user will be allowed to advance to the program itself before satisfactorily completing his or her ten-minute tour.

One way or another, users will learn the ropes of the new system, in the way that best suits their personalities and peculiarities. And those nasty dispirited people at alt.folklore.computers will have to find someone else to disparage. Because we, the many different types of people who buy and use technology, may be freaks but our money is just as good as yours.

Advice to the cybersnobs: live with it.

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