For use: Sunday, June 25, 2000 and thereafter

 

mfinley: "More Zany Computer Humor"

by Michael Finley

Copyright (c) 2000 by Michael Finley

I have made some of my living for the last fifteen years in a murky subfield of journalism called "computer humor." It's not a prestige beat, like covering industry clashes or the latest gee-whiz products. True tech-head writers cover the heavy stuff; my job is making the cultural upheaval seem like a laff riot.

When I came in, computer humor was an empty field. There was just me, the "Fatal Error" column on the inside back page of Computer Magazine, the artist who drew the captionless computer toons (like the techie who inexplicably put two 5.25 floppies in his toaster), and whatever anonymous soul contributed the first geek jokes on the Internet:

"What do you call a systems analyst with an advanced degree from MIT with 28 years of experience, who is fluent in COBOL, FORTRAN, and PASCAL and trained in the operations of the IBM System Series 30?"

"Hey, nimrod!"

It was a frontier atmosphere, but the potential for tickling ribs was vast, so I unpacked my bags and set up shop. My challenge was plain: to create a new language for the expression of humor in the technological realm. I don’t want to reprint my resume but I think you probably are aware of some of my innovations.

I developed the humorous "man on the street" interview. I played roving reporter Lance Boyle, and I would ask questions that I made up to people I made up. But it was real enough for this bit from 1986:

BOYLE: So if you don’t use your computer for word processing or spreadsheets, Professor, what do you use it for?

PROFESSOR: Word processing? Spreadsheets? Hold on, I'm writing this down.

BOYLE: (cracking up) You don’t know what these things are, professor? Then what do you use your computer for?

PROFESSOR: I've been working on a way for people to connect to everything else in the world.

BOYLE: The huh?

I invented a certain kind of spit take. You know, you're sipping a cup of coffee, and someone says, "Guess what, Danny, Uncle Tunoose is dead!" and you spew coffee all over the first few rows of the studio audience. That's the classic spit take, but it works just as well with grape soda, or chocolate milk, especially if it shoots out your nose or if you’re sitting on a white couch. But I was the first person to do a spit take using spray freon.

I connected computer trends to current events. I had one about Bob Dole visiting his first chat room. "Bob Dole suddenly realizes he's the only person in Luscious Leg Log using his real name."

Then there were my famous telephone monologues. Nightclub comedians like these because all you need is a single prop, and you appear to be having a conversation with someone. I liked them because I didn’t have to type as much. Like the tearful tech support call:

ME: Yes, I've been waiting for over an hour now for someone to pick up ... Yes, that's right ...Well, it seems to me that a company that professes to care what its customers think would take pains to answer its phones ... What's that -- you say you don’t care what your customers think? Well, let me tell you something ... Hello? Hello?

Or those awkward conversations you have at parties, when two people stumble on computers as a topic, then you both realize neither one of you cares two shakes about it:

"Oh, you're into computers, too? Aren't they something? Yes, I have one. Yes, it uh, sits on my desk. I use it to, uh, draft reports for my job. I must use it, what, two hours every day. Isn't that crazy? I mean, that's nuts."

I was the guy who wrote those phony software training manuals you used to see lying around ("You have successfully installed PC-Plus/Minus 3.0. Now sit in a quiet place and ponder the other wrong decisions you have made in your life.") It would have been funnier if people ever read training manuals.

And, of course, it was me that came up with the catch phrase that swept through the computer journals between June and early August of 1987. Everywhere you turned, it seemed, somebody was saying it: "ACK/NAK!" I'm not even sure what it meant, but it sure beat having to think something up every time you opened your mouth.

So you're wondering -- how do I keep doing it, making mirth after all these years, and all these deadlines? How do I still crack a smile when deep inside, my heart may be about to break? Part of the answer has to be, character.

But here's a little trick. I also remind myself that computers, when you think about it, are just machines, and it's no more difficult finding the lighter side of computers than it is to tap into a rich, reliable wellspring of humor about automotive air conditioning or underground fuel tanks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

101 Wacky Computer Jokes, by Genevieve Stamperand Judith Stamper